Will This Make You Think Differently About Asking for Help?
An important part of the coaching process is exploring support that will help a client in the pursuit of their goals. While it sounds like a positive and pleasant step, the great lengths we can go to, to avoid getting help are impressive. This aversion is an ever-present, pesky block to growth. I believe it's about time we changed that.
Are you currently slowing down your progress, or even blocking yourself from moving forward because you’re afraid to, or stubbornly against, asking for help?
Our reluctance to request help shows up in every area of life. From driving in circles because we won’t ask for directions, to failing to ask for an introduction to key figures that could significantly help advance our project or business, to spending hours figuring out how to lay the tiles ourselves, or submitting a mediocre cover letter for a job when someone we know could help improve it.
We experience help every day, be it through a healthcare system, an IT helpdesk or a childcare service - their purpose is to support, solve problems and enable progress.
We witness the growth of the most successful global businesses which are absolutely dependent on systems of support in the form of teams, investors, boards, consultants, mentors, coaches. There is no one person at the top knowing all the things, doing all the things, and being successful all by themselves.
So why, then, do we view asking for help with our own goals differently?
There are two main reasons for this from what I observe in my work.
The first one is the perception that needing and asking for help is a sign of weakness. We hate being perceived as weak. Apparently it’s even worse than not achieving your goals on time and with greater ease, or at all.
Asking for Help Is Not a Weakness
Asking for help is not a weakness. Rather, not asking for help is the weakness, and it will keep you stuck until your humility kicks in, or you give up on your dreams.
What about this perspective instead?
The ability to identify the need for help, to ask for help, to receive the help, and then to make progress after having received the help is quite simply a process of problem-solving. Problem-solving is a highly sought-after strength. So every time you ask for help, you're developing that strength.
Seeking help is smart, and it will help you reach your goals faster and easier. Even better, seeking help in good time will prevent greater problems down the road.
A Fear of Bothering Others Is Not an Excuse to Stay Stuck
Now, let’s say your reluctance to ask for help is less about you, and more because you're afraid of bothering the person that you need the help from. Usually we don’t actually know if we’re bothering them, because we haven't enquired. But we assume so, and once again hold ourselves back.
Let’s reframe that fear too.
To begin with, even if we are bothering people, even if it is inconvenient for them, and they don’t particularly feel like it, doesn’t mean that they aren't still willing to help. Of course I’d rather be comfy in bed with a good book rather than out helping find the neighbour's lost dog that regularly drives me crazy barking. However, that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to help. There is a greater purpose at play.
Furthermore, everyone is free to decide whether or not they help. They have a choice to say Yes or No. You are asking for help, not demanding it, and you will respect and accept whatever response you get. You can make that known and clear in your request. A clear absence of obligation and judgment will allow people to be more assertive in their response. If they do help, then you’ll know it’s because they want to help, rather than please.
The thing is though, most people are actually happy when asked to help because it makes them feel useful and valued. By asking, you’re validating their knowledge, experience, and ability. By asking, you’re demonstrating a level of trust in this person. We like to be acknowledged that way.
People also enjoy being part of something bigger. Think of why initiatives like crowdfunding are so popular and successful. Donors like to feel that they’ve participated and contributed in some way to a cause, even for people they might never know or hear from again. So tell your helper what their support means for you, not just to you - what are the ultimate implications of their contribution for your greater good and goals? Yes, they might be helping you secure a job with their interview advice, and what else would that job mean for your future, your family’s security and comfort, your children's opportunities, and your long-term career? Knowing that they contributed to all that could give someone a real sense of satisfaction that far outweighs their time and effort.
Helping others also takes the mind of one’s own challenges, and gives a sense of wellbeing. In fact, according to Frank Martela Ph.D. in his book A Wonderful Life—Insights on Finding a Meaningful Existence, several studies have shown that acts such as volunteering can increase longevity, and the act of giving can enhance positive emotion and better health.
Finally, you can make sure that the help you get is well received. Respond to it with the same generous spirit with which it was given. You can return the favour another time, or you can pay it forward and help someone else out.
The bottom line is that bothering others is not a reason to stay stuck.
Let’s Normalise Asking for Help
There are so many advantages to asking for help on top of meeting your immediate needs. So, as the Instagrammers say these days, let’s normalise asking for help. If I haven’t convinced you yet, then maybe Barack Obama can: “Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength because it shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and that then allows you to learn something new.”
Now, what will you seek help with this week? Your progress awaits.
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Siobhán Gallagher is a coach, educator and writer focused on the intersection between self-leadership, communication and wellness. She helps women reclaim their voice and direction, so that they can finally fulfil their ambitions and check off their bucket list. Download her free guide: From Awkward to Empowered: 10 Steps to Assertive Communication. Connect with her at siobhangallagher.co, on LinkedIn and Instagram.