Don’t Take It Personally; Do This Instead

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Rejection is tough, and just like change, it is one of life’s inevitables. It happens at every stage of our growth, whether it’s rejection from the school choir or football team as children, rejection from a circle of peers as a teenager, or from a university, job, or relationship as an adult.

Depending on the meaning we give it, it can motivate us or deflate us. However, whatever you tell yourself it means, please don’t let it default to ‘I’m not good enough’.

The reason we shouldn’t take it personally is because other people or situations don’t determine our personal value. Actually, very few can truly understand the extent of our value. In the same way, we can’t fully know or understand the motivations behind their decisions, including the ones that reject us. Some situations will draw our value out of us, and others not so much. Some decisions will have very little to do with our value. 

The Danger of ‘I’m Not Good Enough’

Let’s look at it through a professional lens. You apply for a job, feel confident that you are skilled and experienced for the role, and you perform well in the interview. Then they select someone else. You take it personally, and all the self-doubting questions begin. 

What is it that others have, that I don’t?

Am I actually not as skilled or experienced as I think?

Was my presentation bad?

Do I need to study more, work harder, look better?

Am I not likeable?

This dangerous questioning of your value is distracting, demotivating and unhealthy for your self-esteem. You can waste time replaying, overthinking, and beating yourself up. You might even become less ambitious in your objectives and pre-reject yourself for future positions, without ever giving yourself a chance to try. 

When you take it personally, you become emotional, and critical thinking goes out the window. You view things from a fixed mindset, rather than a growth mindset. As a result you stay stuck, or even retreat. 

While, of course, it is a good idea to review your performance and see where there is room for improvement, it’s not the only consideration. 

The truth is it’s not all about you.

It’s Not All About You

Ask anyone who has sat on an interview panel, or had to make a decision involving other people, and they’ll likely tell you the same. Their decision not to select you could also be due to endless factors:

budget

timing

influence from other parties

lack of, or new information

protocol

habit

laziness

an interviewer having a bad day, etc. 

And none of those have anything to do with your value. 

Rather than tell yourself, ‘I’m not good enough’, here’s a healthier message to tell yourself: 

You weren‘t the most suitable, out of all the options available, according to the person making the decision that day - a decision that was subject to many other circumstances and factors unknown to you.

It is about situational suitability at a specific moment in time, rather than your intrinsic value. 

That goes for relationships, friendships and whatever other opportunities come up. We can't be the number one choice or the best suited for everything and everyone all the time.  

This perspective is a more realistic one. It’s also a more constructive one because it allows you to see things objectively, move on quickly, and give your attention to something else that will help you advance, rather than hold you back.

A Healthier Approach

So don’t take it personally; ban ‘I’m not good enough’ from your vocabulary, thoughts and beliefs. 

Not good enough is not a personal trait, unless you decide to make it one.

Instead, build on your current strengths, and develop qualities according to your own values. Then get on with finding opportunities and people that are right for and that do value you. 

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Coaching can help you achieve clarity, make value-based decisions, and develop a growth mindset. Let’s chat so you can learn more about my 1:1 coaching and training offers for career and communication. 

Siobhán Gallagher is a coach, educator and writer focused on the intersection between communication, self-leadership and wellbeing.

Join her mailing list or book a discovery call to learn more. Connect at siobhangallagher.co, LinkedIn and Instagram.